28th september 2010

So, I had my first ever Stand gig. My week had been going ok, the normal stresses and strains, the normal rubbish. Now, something people who have seen my current set will know is that I take the piss out of my job, tell people how anal and uptight the civil service are, and basically have a bit of a joke around with the idea that these idiots are in charge. But it seems someone at my work took exception to this (having never seen my gig, I might add) and decided that in order to prove that they were not anally retentive morons with little to no sense of humour, they would call me in and begin an investigation into me, saying that I was working a second job without permission. Obviously I’m not getting paid and so this can’t possibly be a second job; however, it would seem that the civil service see things differently and my contract was terminated! I might add I wasn’t fired, I was simply ‘laid off’ for reasons best known to the anally retentive half witted goat fuckers who run the Department of Work and Pensions.


Oh yes the gig! So with all this rattling in my head I met up with some friends for moral support and toddled off to the Stand in Glasgow. I can’t tell you how much I was looking foward to doing this gig as I go to the Stand all the time to see people far better than me. In fact, the night before, I had been in there watching Robin Ince’s Bad Book Club and having the honour of a fairly decent long chat with the man himself after the show. So I got there too early as it turned out, and went into the “green room” to wait to see the set list for the other acts to arrive. I was pretty chilled as I always seem to be before a gig, and I sat there looking through my stuff. As the other acts arrived I had a chance to chat with them all and ignore some of the bigger fish trying to piss in my pool.

The other acts’ sets were going well and the room was packed. Some people went down great, others just went down. The compere went on to introduce me - he had done 2 or 3 minutes between each act’s set, and I was running through it all in my head AGAIN when I suddenly heard him introduce me. He had been on for seconds. I remember two things - saying “Oh shit” and walking through the curtain, and then a flash thought of “Crap, long hair and candles at shoulder level on the way to the stage...don’t set yourself on fire.” I stepped up onto the stage and I started my bit. I’ve changed it a little but not much since I’d started doing it - trouble was, the bit I had added was just a little bit of a chat with the crowd. I looked to the two front tables. One was full of my friends and the missus...no help there... and the other was full of – ermmmm - how can I say it nicely?.... ermmm - bimbos. Yep , nice enough. So I just said hello and said my few opening lines to the three girls in the front row.... nothing... no reply. Ok try again, nope nothing. I remember looking at the three girls in turn for what felt like an age to me. It seemed that they either didn’t speak any English or were in fact totally ignoring me like I wasn’t there. An odd turn or events as I was certainly there, only two foot away in fact. So once again “BUGGER”. It really shook my confidence and suddenly I was attacked by the nerve monster. Seriously, I’ve never had that before but my nerves kicked into overdrive. I suddenly went blank and looked about nervously. Somehow – and I really don’t know how - I managed to do most of my set in autopilot and I did most of it in order and got a few solid laughs. But if I’m honest, not my best gig. I went back stage after getting a pretty good round of applause.

I went back into the “green room” which was blue and filled with ....well..... various crap. I sat there and began to get more and more annoyed about what I had just done. Over the next few days I pulled the set apart trying to work out why I ballsed it all up. And it’s only now that I realise that the people I talked to afterwards were right - I didn’t balls it up. I was nervous and rushed a few bits, but that was more down to me being thrown by the three girls’ reactions. So... not my best gig, but you know what, I got some solid laughs and I was certainly not the worst on the night. I’m on there again at the end of November, which due to lack of money or a job might be the next gig I have. Aww well - back to the job hunting.

just because i can heres a picture of me and mark watson.